How to steer clear of crime in New York City


Prime time for crimeing

Next up, New York will get topless muggers. This approach you possibly can’t keep in mind the faces.

People bitch our city, capital of the planet, has as a lot crime in the streets as on TV. Please: Just as a result of the police station in one district has an alarm system in the entrance door? . . . Or our mayor’s financial institution retains its cash in one other financial institution? . . . So what if our leftists chant: “Make Bail Not License Plates.”

Out-of-towners point out our crime charge. New York has 8 million folks — over 1,000,000 had been by no means even robbed as soon as. Anyway, for those who name the cops there’s a three-year ready listing . . . Question: Which is less complicated? Buying a gun or a politician?

Our metropolis’s the busiest. Something’s all the time occurring. So what if it largely stays unsolved . . . In NYC you may get away with homicide — so long as you don’t park subsequent to a fireplug . . . One councilman’s thought of dealing with site visitors congestion? Encourage automotive theft.

And don’t knock our subway. It’s landmarked. Begun 1900 the primary prepare simply received to Grand Central . . . And Keys to the City when you understand how to decide the lock? . . . Smart residents preserve to themselves. If not for a couple of thefts there’d be no private contact in any respect.

This city’s muggers are so up to date they even take bank cards . . . Lacking money one sufferer requested: “Can I write you a check?” Thief: “Yeah, but I need to see two forms of ID” . . . Local Brooklyn indicators: “Keep New York clean. Trash New Jersey.”

Also, drive rigorously. The life you save would be the one to take away his automotive from the parking spot you want . . . NYC robber: One who steals your cash with out getting elected.

One girl, frisked rapidly, mentioned: “Just keep doing what you’re doing and I’ll write you a check” . . . Busy crooks now simply hand you a observe, seize your pockets and let you know to carry out two self-inflicted wounds . . . Hey, don’t knock a robber. He’s the one dude who nonetheless makes home calls.

For survival: Move to a quiet neighborhood the place you possibly can hear folks whisper for assist . . . Don’t stroll to the bus: Run! . . . Ignore neighborhoods the place the nook sweet retailer has a bouncer . . . Put apart a specific amount for holdups . . . Don’t get cranky if a stranger takes photos — provided that he takes cameras . . . Buy a bumper sticker that reads: “Have you hugged your bail bondsman today?” If given a mink coat don’t ask what’s it price as a result of one man answered: “Maybe 5 to 10.”

Bare with it

In phrases of misfits and malcreants, how concerning the Oscars? And flashing breasts in garish uncovered elements? And questioning why at present’s youngsters have issues?

Just a small-town lady

If you haven’t had sufficient, comes now new horror movie “You Won’t Be Alone.” Noomi Rapace is in it.

Noomi: “It’s about life as humans. An outsider, wanting to belong, enters a different world never seen before. Not wanting to leave. Set in medieval Macedonia, it could be today. We are so obsessed with civilization, technology, moving fast and here you slow down, tune in with animals and nature. Playful even in violent and brutal moments.”

Swedish actress Noomi Rapace is starring in the new horror film “You Won’t Be Alone.”
Swedish actress Noomi Rapace is starring in the brand new horror movie “You Won’t Be Alone.”
Photo by Julia Reinhart/Getty Images

Yeah. OK. Right. A distant village in Serbia. A witch residing inside a lady whose pores and skin crawls actually. Ours too, possibly. Focus Features. Debuted at Sundance. To Noomi, born in Hudiksvall, Gävleborg Iän, Sweden, violent brutal ­moments all the time sound so playful.

It’s IRS time. The cashier advised a employee: “After deducting withholding tax, state income tax, city tax, business tax, Social Security, retirement fund, unemployment insurance, hospitalization, dental insurance, group life insurance, chip in to repair the roof and your donation to the company’s welfare fund, you owe us $14.25.”

Only in New York, youngsters, solely in New York. 

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